Im Sorry Zack

I walked down he my usual route through the big city  of Boston, I've doing this for twenty years. The sky was clear, but it wasn't bright and warm, or is wasn't for me. I didn't know if it was in my head, the doctors said is was, that maybe I was color blind, but I saw colors. I could see the little girl yelling at her mom with the gold blond hair and the red dress. The green tress blowing in the breeze, the colorful birds that flew around the city to the park. I could see all those colors, but when I looked up to the sky, all I saw was gray.
I don't think that I was imagining, if I was, then why couldn't I feel the sun?
Why couldn't I feel the warmth from the rising sun, how come I always feel cold, mostly in the summer.
It was around noon, the sun was high in the sky, still I didn't feel it's warmth. Few people stared at me as I walked down the sidewalk and crossed the street. Most people were used to seeing me, with my thick winter coat, black with blotches of red.
It took about another half hour for me to get out of the big city and enter the less populated please of Boston. I walked past the gates, they were always opened, for me expectably. There were few trees around, there were a lot of flowers though. I thought it was a bit ironic, considering where I was. People said it would give it a bit of life, I didn't argue, however seeing all these flowers bothered me. Why did these flowers get to be so beautiful, why did they have to try burying happiness here?
I turned and sat down at my regular spot. "Hey Zack, I brought you some flowers, your favorite."

~20 years ago  

"Zack! What are you doing!" he jumped at the sound of my out roar, separating himself from his friend.
"Cody, what are you doing here? I thought you were going on a date with Barbra." he said as he stood trying to hide the guy's face.
"We had to end it early. But tell me, what the fuck is this guy doing here?! Who is he?!"
"I-, well he's umm, he-"
"I'm his boyfriend Cody." I did know him, he was the guy he would always be hanging out with, and now he's in our suite, making out with my brother. I pointed to the door, clearly angry.
"Get out."
"Cody, don't."
"I said, GET OUT!" I all but ran over to him, taking his collar I grabbed but, he lightly yelled from the pain he was probably feeling around his neck. I dragged him over to the door and pushed him out. "Get out of here, and don't come back!" I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Cody, please. Please don't do this."
"Get your FUCKING HANDS OFF OF ME!" I said slapping his hand off of me. I turned and glared at him. "What the fuck were you doing!"
"Cody, I'm sorry, I was meaning to tell you, but… but I- I couldn't.."
"You couldn't? well why the fuck would you want to! Zack what the fuck is wrong with you!"
"Cody please. Please don't be mad at me, please." he said, he held my face in his hands, I felt disgusted. He was touching me with those, those.. Fag hands. I raised my hand and slapped his hard across his face. He stumbled and fell onto the ground. He grabbed his cheek and looked up at me. I looked down at him full of disgust, I took back my foot and kicked him hard in the gut. He held back a scream and spit out some blood, like I fucking cared though.
"Don't. Ever. Talk. To. Me. Again." I walked past him toward my room.
"Please don't hate me.." 'too late' I thought.

~Time Skip

It had been about three weeks since then. I rarely saw him at home and school, good I thought. He would always go to sleep after I did, and always got up before I did. He would take the public bus, and would always go to class early and leave after I did.
I had told everyone at school about him, about him being a fag. Almost everyone hated him, just like me. How dare he, he was an abomination, a work of the devil. It was wrong, he was wrong, he was sick, they all were.
He was the target of bullying, he would be pushed into the lockers, thrown to the ground. Beaten up. Everyone looked away, no one helped him, the teachers would pretend they didn't see anything. Lots of times, he would even bleed, I laughed at this, he deserved it, all of it.
When the school year ended and summer began, I took as many shifts I could at work, and so did he.
I was rarely home, and so was he.
Now it was my seventeenth birthday, August 4. Carey and Kurt had thrown a big surprise party fro me in the Tipton, everyone of my friends were there. My mom came up to me and asked where he was, I shrugged and walked off to talk to Alyson. She was my new girlfriend, I had broken up with Barbra when she dared stand up for that guy who I used to call brother.
My friends walked up to me in a group, they were holding a small red box.
"Hey what's up guys?! Got me my present?" I asked giving them a hand shake.
"Course dude. It's a special one, just for you man." Matt gave me the box and they all smiled  proudly. Grinning I opened the box, there was a stench of metal that came from the box when I took the top off. I saw a finger, it looked burned, wrapped around it was a chain with a cross.
"What's this? A rubber finger?" he shook his hand.
"It's his ring finger, didn't figure he would need it that fag." I felt the breath knocked out of my lungs.
"Do you know where he is?" they looked at me oddly.
"Left in the alley behind the skate park. Dude why?" my heart started racing, I didn't know why but I felt something hard in the pit of my stomach. The box slipped out of my hand, I turned and I started running. As fast as I could I ran out of the Tipton, down the side walk, pushing away everyone in my way.
I made a sharp turn, I reached a fence and realized that I had gone the wrong way. I turned but then heard a silent groan, full with adrenalin I turned back and climbed over the metal fence as fast as I could. I jogged through the alley, keeping my eyes open to see anything, him. After a few minutes I stepped in a puddle, at first I thought it was water, but as I closed up with the dim light that shone through the dark alley, I saw a faint shape of a body laying on the floor. Again, I smelled the stench of metal and rust. I quickly took out my phone and pressed a random button to turn on it's light. When it did, I gasped and dropped it on the floor. Right in front of me,
Was Zack's limp body.
My knees weakened and I dropped onto the floor. The light from the phone let me see him more clearly. His clothes were practically shredded, blood soaking his entire body. His hair was also soaked, cut on his face too. I crawled over to his and took his hand to check his pulse, I was shocked to see that his ring finger was missing. I felt a pulse that was extremely faint.
"Zack. No please stay with me. Please, zack please wake up. Zack come on. Please don't die on me." I shook his shoulder gently, I quickly picked up my phone, my vision was blurred, I hadn't even noticed that tears streamed down my face. I dialed three number and called for help.
"Co…. d-y.." I quickly turned and saw Zack's eyes only half opened. Seeing him like this made my heart feel like I had been stabbed. He opened his mouth to say something but I stopped him.
"don't say anything. Please, save your strength." he lightly smiled.
"Please,… don't cry Co-dy. Please.. don't hate me.." I could only see a blur of what was his body, my entire body ached and stung. I heard the ambulance approach to the alley. "Please… don- hate m-e…" his eyes slowly closed, I burst into tears.
"Zack! No! NO ZACK PLEASE!!! NO DON'T DIE! COME ON PLEASE!!!ZACK!!" I felt arms pull me away from his body, people took him and carried him to the back of the car on a stretcher.
Everything went by in a blur.

Mom taking me to the car, driving to the hospital.

The hours we spent in the waiting room.

Holding mom as she cried about her son.

Wiping my eyes every second from the tears that continuously ran down my face.

He doctors walking in, saying that he didn't make it.

Me, yelling, destroying everything I came close to.

Saying it was their fault,

Yelling why couldn't they save him

Me running into the surgery room

Shaking Zack, pleading him to wake up

Taking the scapula, stabbing my arm

Yelling at myself to wake up

Running away from security

Up the stairs to the ceiling

Trying to jump off the 50th floor

Having my mom grab me back in and holding me as I cried in her arms.

A week pasted, we had funeral for him. Everyone showed up, almost everyone cried for him, even Mr.Moseby, saying he was proud of him. I didn't cry during the funeral, it wasn't that I wouldn't, it was cause I couldn't.
My senior year pasted, I graduated high school, then college. All the years pasted in a guilty air, ever breath I took, I felt guilty. Cause it was a breath I took away from him.
Every Saturday, I walked out of my apartment, through the city, down to the more empty part. Into the graveyard. I always visited his grave.

~Present

"I brought you your favorite. Lilies." I laid the flowers in front of the stone. "Today I got a call from Jeffery. You know, the kid I told you about, the one that I was helping out. Well, he called and guess what he told me.
"He said thanks, for helping him through his depression and his problems. He said that I helped him come out, and that he feels better now. His mom didn't hate him like he thought.
"He also told me that if I hadn't have been there, he probably would've killed himself…" I looked down to my hand and  touched my ring. "Tyler's good. Did I tell you? Erika gave birth Thursday, it was a healthy boy. Next week Tyler and I are going to sign some papers and then we'll be the dads. And you know how I'm the dad? Well he looks a lot like you, so I hope you don't mind, I name him Zack." my sight blurred. "I wish you were here Zack, I wish I had understood.. I wish I knew then what I do now. I'm sorry." I reached to my back pocket and took out a box and placed it in front of his grave stone.
"I never hated you Zack, I love you." I felt something that felt like arms around me, I didn't see anything though. It felt like someone kissed my forehead, and all of a sudden I felt  my heart lighten.
'I love you too Cody'